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A rather confident man walks into a bar and sits next to a very pretty lady. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
"What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any underwear."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!"
The man explains, "Damn watch must be 1 hour fast."
Dear Bank Manager,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing the check with which I endeavoured to pay my accountant last month. By my calculations some 3 seconds must have elapsed between her presenting the check, and the arrival in my account of the cash needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for nine years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account with £50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to re-think my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness.
No more will our business relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in the first half of next year, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct. of your very bank. I can think of no greater compliment, and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it. To this end, please be advised about the following changes:
First, I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a real honest-to-goodness person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee of your branch, whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require our chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to nine pages, but in order that I know as much about them as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of their medical history must be countersigned by a Justice of the Peace, and that the mandatory details of their financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
Shortly I will issue your employee with a PIN number which they must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 25 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours. My authorised contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated voice. By pressing buttons on the. phone, they will be guided thorough an extensive set of menus:
1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing repayment.
3. To make a general complaint or inquiry.
4. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there; Extension of living room to be communicated at the time the call is received;
5. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am still sleeping. Extension of bedroom to be communicated at the time the call is received;
6. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature. Extension of toilet to be communicated at the time the. call is received.
7. To transfer the call to my cell phone in case I am not at home.
8. To leave a message on my computer. To leave a message a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the contact.
9. To return to the main menu and listen carefully to options 1 through 8.
The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration.
Now we come to the matter of cost.
As your bank has often pointed out, the continuous drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost. A cost which you have always passed on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back.
First, there is the matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of £25 per page. Inquiries from your nominated contact will be billed at £8 per minute of my time spent in response. Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonoured check, will be passed back to you.
My new phone service runs at £1.50 a minute, so you would be well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
Your humble client